So Good, You Forget All the Bad

Teenager by Bud Smith.

I was originally going to write this post about a different book. Then I read Teenager by Bud Smith, and I had to rearrange things a bit. I simply could not get it out of my head. More specifically, in the days after I finished it, I kept looking forward to picking it back up. Then I would remember that I didn’t have any more of it left to read, and then I would get immensely sad. This played on repeat. Some time has passed, and I am able to remember that it’s over now, but I still can’t get this book out of my head, so here we are.

One of my potential New Year’s resolutions was to maybe not finish every book I start - like instead of powering through and wasting time on a book I don’t like, I could just be a quitter every once in a while. But that just ain't me, and I’m so glad it’s not (it ain’t?). If I had gone down that fleeting path of folly, I may not have had the distinct pleasure of reading Teenager - which was amazing - because I didn’t really like this book at first.

Here are the things I want to warn you about if you decide to pick up a copy so that you keep reading like I did:

1. The back blurb¹ for this book describes two lovestruck teenagers on the run from their abusive parents. It does NOT indicate that what they’re actually on the run from is the police because our main character, Kody, commits double homicide on page 18. It’s a wild way to be thrown into a book that you’re expecting to be a runaway teenage romance.

2. The characters come across as crazy in a slightly troubling way. Particularly Kody because that’s who we are with for the first chunk of the book, though the narration is third person omniscient,. I tried to go back and find a specific example, but I can’t do it because now I’m just charmed by him. The best I can do is to say he comes off as manic and dangerous (which he is). Teal, our female lead, takes a bit of getting used to as well because initially, we are less inside her head than we are in his - it takes a minute to figure out the details of their relationship, most specifically, how she feels about him. Which is key, given the fact that if she’s not into it, he’s effectively kidnapped her.

3. Bud Smith’s writing style feels a bit choppy at first. The sentences are short and frequently incomplete.

Once I hit page 66, I decided that everything above was either no longer a problem or no longer true - I fell in love. First, with Kody, Teal and their love. Yes, he kills her parents, and yes they commit several other crimes together of varying gruesomeness and YES they essentially leave a bloody trail behind them. But they’re so young and so impossibly lucky and so in love. More importantly they have both experienced an immense amount of suffering by the age of 17 (I believe that’s how old they are - Teal might be 16).

Both have been physically and psychologically abused and robbed of their childhoods. In Teal’s case, it’s her innocence, and in Kody’s it’s his health and, to an extent, his general cognitive ability. Despite all that, they both maintain a childlike faith that anything is possible - that good things will come to them. And they are incredibly tender - with each other, and with many other characters, too. It is the moments when this tenderness shines through that balance the horror of the novel’s narrative framework. A framework upon which they commit many additional bad, if not horrible acts, but the balance makes Kody and Teal lovable.

I also fell in love with with Bud Smith’s writing. Yes, his sentences are short, but what I initially perceived as careless choppiness is actually a very skillful rhythm. At times of narrative stress, it’s staccato, and at times of narrative languor it creates a sense of charming boredom. It works like the score of a movie. One of my favorite parts of the book is Chapter 20, which begins, “Days melted. Time stopped. He had his health. She mumbled in her sleep. One morning crawling out of the tent, expecting frigid air, Kody was amazed to find summer at their door” (132).

The first half of the chapter is much like this - happily flat with some really incredible sentences sprinkled in. My favorite one reads, “At the stroke of midnight Teal finally woke like that day in particular had been off-limits” (133). I just love that. Kody and Teal discuss how they’ve got nothing but time - how “time is timeless” but then, “One afternoon time popped and caught gear again. He could feel the future creeping up” (134-135). Smith’s style switches from being chilled out to being almost suspenseful. This becomes even more powerful at the end when the pressure is mounting and it feels like every sentence might be the sentence where something bad happens. No spoilers, but more on that later.

The best thing about Smith’s style is how well it captures the fast, crazy soft and sweet feeling of young love. It’s enthusiastic and dry at the same time - full of feeling without being overly sentimental. Though there is certainly humor in the novel, Smith also doesn’t laugh at the young lovers (and by product of that, doesn’t laugh at the person you were when you were a young lover). It is tender in the same way that young lovers are tender with each other:

“They sat looking at each other. He gave her a rose and a tamale. He said he was sorry a thousand times. She said she was sorry ten thousand times. He said he was sorry a million times. She said she was sorry that much and a little more. He said he was sorry infinite times. She said she was sorry infinity plus one. Kody said he was sorry infinity plus infinity. She said she was sorry infinity times infinity. He said he was sorry infinity times infinity plus two.” (342)

Smith’s ability to unlock that youthful realm with sincerity is quite impressive. There’s the incredible melodrama of EVERYTHING paired with the shocking resiliency of youth. It’s the charming idea that young people can do everything wrong - and feel like the entire world is falling down around them due to some small misstep or minor slight, and yet - everything will still work out right for them. Teenagers specifically live in this weird oxymoronic land, where everything is simultaneously temporary and permanently life altering. I’m probably not doing the best job describing it but Bud Smith captures it well - he reminded me of what it was to be young and in love. Minus of course the HOMICIDE. :)

My final note before wrapping up is that this book, aside from being about young love, is also about yearning for more, geographically. It is action driven across the expanse of the great United States. My least favorite part of the book is when they finally make it to the ranch in Montana (their initial goal, which I haven’t mentioned until now because I didn’t bother to summarize the plot) and become stationary. Their youth shows - in the bad way that makes you realize that they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing (they’re too young and naive) instead of in the good way which makes you feel like only people like them (young and naive) should or even could be doing what they’re doing. They have to be moving for the shimmering screen of romance to stay intact. They do move on again (in a blaze of fire), and the romance continues.

Ultimately, I was a bit crushed by the ending. I didn’t like it, but after re-reading it a couple of times, I accepted it. There was never going to be a good ending. Or maybe that’s not fair because in its own way the ending is good. There was never going to be a completely happy ending, and knowing that from the start - from page 18 - is at least in part what creates the tension that drives the novel forward so powerfully. So, don’t expect a fairytale ending, but know that this book is worth reading even without one. That’s saying a lot coming from me, lover of happy endings.

1. My personal philosophy on back blurbs is as follows: it’s okay to read the back blurb when you’re looking at random books at the bookstore trying to pick one out. You have to have something to go on other than the cover (though that’s important too - despite what old adages will try to tell you). HOWEVER, one must NEVER re-read the blurb right before reading the book. It’s best to wait until you don’t remember exactly what it says, and if you’re like me with whole shelves of unread books, that’s easy to do. Wait until only vaguest sense of why you bought the book remains in your consciousness, then read. Also - how fun?!! I love footnotes.